i don't think i have friends in uni - i don't make time for them and they don't make time for me so i guess that's fair - why would you tho if you had me as a friend? nobody wants to be friends with someone who doesn't put effort into being friends with you (i wish yall knew i just don't know how to)

also raya has been a very tiring month i am tired of people asking me 

"what can you do with a geog degree"/"what do you want to do after you graduate"

and i'm just like ????????????????????????????? does this even matter is this important why are yall not worried about climate change but yall worried about my future 

(ok sidetrack a bit idk but like i'm listening to mulan and like i get reminded of mr seah and /that/ econs lesson)

but yes why:

1. does it matter what i want to do in the future

2. is this your problem

3. are you interested in how i want to live my life 

4. can't i live life in the moment without having to worry about the future

5. must i have my life all planned out 

6. do i have to be what you want me to be

7. can't i do what i want to do 

not knowing what i want to be in the future has made me all like ???? and doubt myself in taking geog - the same doubt that recurs each time i don't do well in essays, the same doubt existing since 2015 - i knew it was a leap of faith choosing to follow my heart but i'm trying to reconcile with the fact that i am in university to learn and while i keep trying to tell myself it doesn't matter what my grades are - i know they do a lot to everyone else

i may know not what i want to do in life but i do have a clear idea of what i don't want to do 

are my dreams less valid because i don't have a concrete plan with goals all laid out in front of me?

are the steps i take each day less important just because i have no goal in mind?

am i worthless as a human being just because i'm not sure if i am going to be a valuable contribution to society in the future?

friends idk pls send help i'm not sure if what i'm feeling is because of pms or what

so there's this new guy at work, and its very wierd to have someone watch you i just felt very uncomfortable because all i want is personal space but i didn't say anything lah on the first day

): his presence just made me feel threatened like i am disposable and can be easily replaced and i didn't like that (note i know i am dispensable but i just didn't like that i had direct competition when i still had a couple more weeks at work) 

idk eh i'm supposed to be guiding him to take over me but idk how ok i'm a terrible at explaining and elaborating verbally so after like k asked about his progress i knew i should do something more concrete so i let him do more on wed (it sucks lah having to sit at work but not having much to do) 

i tried not to hover around him when he was doing work cause i know what it feels like to be constantly watched and i tried not to micromanage but idk lah like i am OK that he does things differently from me but i just wish he would pay more attention aka be more thorough - idk if he feels like alot of the things i do are superfluous but i do things the way i do because i believe in what i'm doing and i believe in my aesthetic judgement 

i really like work but this week was the week where i just felt like ): there were 2 of us but only so much orders i just don't like having nothing to do - this was also the week where i left early for work everyday (this just makes me question myself and my efficiency)

idk friends idk a lot of things

i dont have answers to anything

i wish i did know