i have loads of fear
i used to fear riding rollercoasters
because i thought i would die
but now i rather sit on an actual rollercoaster
than go through this rollercoaster life

i fear rejection the most
which is why im so hesistant in applying for jobs
i fear being told that i'm not good enough -
that i am incompetent;
i fear talking
i'm not good at speaking about myself - at selling myself
because i am nothing much

i fear interviews
i wonder if i will be eloquent enough to express my thoughts without stammering
coherently
one day, maybe
"where do you see yourself in 5 years" (alive hopefully)
"why did you apply for this position" (honestly i just want to be employed but idk)

adulting is real hard work
there is not short cut
or fail-safe method
you don't write down school codes on a piece of power
and let people in power decide if you're good enough based on a score
you literally have to pour your heart and soul into a letter
and hope that they want you enough
to give you an opportunity

its been a month of me
doing nothing
i planned to
take pottery classes, self study korean
but did not execute

it's literally do or die
and at this point it feels like
die

Labels: personal