mfa hasn't contacted me post round 2 so means my ac performance was shit HAH
bye $40 investment on grab rides to HQ
(update: received rejection email from mfa and they dgaf about changing the last name first name)
would i have wanted mfa even if they wanted me
(i'll be honest, i wished i said "i wanted to be able to get away from family without having much guilt")
i think back to that conversation i had with mars and
i think of how i only truly lived in one place my entire life (moving 3 floors up does nothing to my coordinates)
shuttling between two units within the same block
and how as i grew older i thought of them as home ('house with family') but never as home ('sense of place')

i need to get my life together
know i am punishing myself by falling further down the rabbit hole
unmotivated & undiscipline
//underachiever

i love singapore but weather has gtg
hate the feeling of sweat when im out the door
the only reason why i stay home is for the constant stream of cold air
but i am the most productive out of the house

am growing old and i keep forgetting how old i am
cat is growing old too (pls remind me to call vet for m)
and yknow how i thought of being a cat lady when i got older
i really don't know if i want that anymore
i really hate having to cut the nails of my current meows (because i sux and they struggle too much!!!!)
heck it was only this year that i learnt how to pill a cat and my cat is 12 y/o
am probably going to grow old without any cats (unless i get my shit together or somebody offers to help me cut their nails foc or i have a shit ton of money to send them for grooming)

is a strange age of being 23 and i don't know what i feel about passing the age of 26
i wish my parents understand that even though i'm still their kid i'm not a kid anymore
i may not be smart enough but i am smart enough to make smart choices about my life
(ok sometimes i make dumb decisions)
i don't like to explain myself
pls stop asking me questions (even if they're questions of care)
i dont want permission i just need support
i pray for them to be open to this as long as i'm living under their roof

i love my family i really do
but i really want to love myself more and to live for myself
i know it's incredibly selfish of me for thinking
because even though family is a little bit toxic
they do care and they did give me everything i wanted when i was younger
i really don't know

i don't have a lot of people in my life
and those i choose to surround and spend time with are important to me
i dont think i'm holding on to anybody because i am really bad with holding on to anything
so i'm more of hung over whoever i've already let go
but i'm sorry to whoever thinks i've let them go

in other news i extended contract working for DI but i part regrets
because i really hate saying no because she has been so nice
i need to put more effort into job searching, i really do

maid is going back tomorrow and i wish grandma would just get off her case (and mine too)
its really up to her if she chooses to go to the market wearing shoes instead of slippers
its really her choice if she wears make up
its also my choice if i choose to wear more lup sup clothes than her
i have agency over my body so let me
                                                        be me

Labels: personal