/edit i am disgusted with myself and attitude, but please let my emotions be free

i have so much anger in me now
i really hate feeling like this
i just hate this feeling in general

i got dressed even though i hated going to those kinds of events
i got dressed because you are my grandmother and i just wanted to be there with you
i got dressed

but you obviously thought it wasn't enough
apparently what i wore wasn't "nice" enough
[but i am so mad!!!!!! because literally the first time i wanted to wear it out you said it was too nice and you asked me to change out!!!!!]

like i really don't get it
what is your definition of nice
because i think i looked nice
even though in your eyes i was selekeh

i am a mess
i know

you know what would have been easier - me just giving in and changing
but i didn't
you know why

i didn't see why i had to fit into your idea
i didn't see why i had to impress a bunch of people
i'm trying not to give in to what society perceives as beauty or femininity
but it is hard when your family perpetuates and expects you to perform these standards

i don't wear makeup!!!!!! i don't shave my legs!!!!! i have a big round belly!!!!!!! i am fat!!!!!
SO FUCKING WHAT

i am my own person - i want to grow at my own pace

but i realised that my body is not mine


i am not may fucking welland - i want to be ellen olenska

Labels: personal, to people