i'm just so tired (emotionally) this raya 

sick of the guilt from seeing people age and not spending time with them but i resent the enmeshment and want to be my own person 

sick of "putting family first" when i don't think it's selfish to put my needs first

what i wish to say: 

- what is this sudden switch-up in parents from no dating when you're a student cause you need to focus on school to when you gonna find someone and get married? 

- how am i supposed to go out and meet people if my grandmother and mother still treat me like a child, question my whereabouts, impose curfews and make noise when i come home late? 

- do you know how dysfunctional this family is? i have trauma and am broken i have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. i don't want to have kids because i do not wish to pass down generational trauma. i don't want kids because the world is shit because of climate change and politics and 

- i don't want to have to get married just to move out of my parent's home. i don't want to go from my father's house to my husband's house. i want to figure out who i am, experience life and live life on my terms.

- if someone is not going to value add to my life - i don't want them in it. 

what i actually say: i don't want to get married. 

- is your company hiring? are you going to help me with my job search process if i tell you what kind of jobs i am looking for? 

- i don't know. 

- i have no dream job because i do not dream of labour!!!