Been thinking a lot lately and I'm really scared, terrified that I'm not making the right decisions in life???

I mean do I go overseas to study (this is a would love to and may only happen if i suddenly have like $250k or I miraculously get offered a scholarship) or do I just settle for the local unis which are equally as good. Like 45 days to prelims and 115 days to As, I am freaking out.

I told my mom I would tell her what I wanted to be in April, but well, now we're halfway through July, HALFWAY THROUGH THE YEAR and i still remain indecisive.

I went to SGH on Sunday for a short while to see Uncle Zainal who had surgery and I missed my grandfaher really really really badly. First ramadan without him - nobody makes drinks for me anymore, nobody eats together at the table anymore, haven't eaten mangosteens or langsat for a real long time, nobody goes out and buy food from like géylang/bagus/ntuc for me. Nobody to call me down to buka pusa when its almost time.

Really trying to be good grandaughter and listen to my grandma but sometimes she's just impossible??? and i want to cry cry so much. I know she feels lonely cause my grandfather's gone and shes all alone. I just don't know anymore.

I watched TFIOS by myself and I didn't cry at all, like legit no floodgates was released. I didn't know if I expected myself to cry or that I reread the book before I watched it so mega spoiler or cause of the soundtrack which is literally perfect. But I didn't cry at all. I felt like it was such a happy movie because I kept smiling?? I quote Dr Seuss, "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened" or something like that. yes okay there were a few (possibly quite a lot) of heartbreaking moments, but it wasn't heart wrenching for me (i don't know maybe i'm numb) and like there was a lot of light humour (i swear i kept laughing at inappropriate moments) so a happy movie i guess. Or maybe I didn't feel as sad cause I watched "why I dislike TFIOS" video and like i recognized merit in their argument, so maybe there's no longer the *magic* HAHA but still a good movie nonetheless. I mean whereas can you find another Augustus Waters whos presumptuous (but we forgive him cause he's cute) and like didn't like the movie cause issac had really little screen time like comeon need more friendship and bromance, it's not all about hazel and gus please.

In other news, my grades are shit and willie is a genius. Somebody teach me how to become a genius. I want to be one. And also quite terrified about my other papers that I haven't gotten back. (Desperately praying that I get S for math at least please)