haven't been on this space lately, mainly because i've been feeling tired and uninspired (and also because i just couldn't string together words to form a coherent sentence to express my emotions)

it's 627am now and i just finished my morning shower - i honestly think this is an achievement that needs to be honoured because its the earliest shower I ever taken during this break (I say break because it's not even a holiday because I did nothing to valueadd myself or my life) and i think the morning air and cold shower is exceptionally great for thinking

I stared at myself in the mirror and realised how ridiculously disgusting I look -  in all entirety, i am not fat shaming myself but i just can't handle my body right now - i'm sorry, but with an awful muffin top, saggy boobs/butt, stretchmarks and skin discoloration and my sunburn scar, I look like a mess (almost like Frankenstein's monster but not quite)

all my life I've been the fat kid, but lately I've gotten fatter and I wish to stop but I don't know how. sigh i don't hate myself, but i do hate how I never preserve with my 'workout' routine or some sort - I really hate running!!!1!! I wish i could like running, so it'll be easier but I don't so ugh. Maybe I should start small and slow but I should do something.

I'm not expecting myself to be stick thin or pretty overnight or over the years - but all I want to be is be healthy and less of a mess. If I were a mess, I would rather be a hot mess. I had my uni health check up yesterday (and it took forever) but I still don't know if i passed or failed it. I want to be normal, I probably have to start today (and probably continue everyday)

Hopefully with the number of stairs there are in NUS maybe I'll lose some trying to climb them all ha ha ha

Sigh, a new me (hopefully)

Labels: personal